In a world where individuals are often silenced and judged for their beliefs, I have discovered a sanctuary in a single app on my iPhone. An app where the endless possibilities open up a universe in which everything revolves around me and my life. The notes app, my oasis in the middle of the frightening outside world, is the one place where I am unapologetically myself.
I find serenity among the disorganized chaos of the files, the flawed flawlessness, the perfect imperfection. On one note flooded by a never-ending list of movies and shows I intend to watch, one with biology terms that constantly escape from my memory. All these notes have one thing in common, they’re written in the daytime.
After the clock strikes eleven, my surroundings change. My mind, continuously expanding to the depths of the unknown, shoves itself into ideas I am normally too scared to contemplate. At 2 am, I violently type out the things that are bothering me. The glowing letters underneath my fingertips get arranged and manipulated to form sentences expressing my pain, love, and frustration. Words spit out of my brain and get thrown up onto the charcoal-colored screen. Aggressive clicking sounds are drowned down by the thoughts in my brain, moving at an astronomical speed. All the insecurities, opinions, and introspections that occur in my mind 24/7 materialize into a document consisting of numerous lengthy paragraphs.
I feel incredibly open on the page, submerged with words and sentences, flows together like poetry. An expedition is taken, deep into my heart, to search for the words that I have been too scared to utter to a single soul; the fears that I have for my future, things that I want to express to people but I never do. Everything.
The best part of my notes app is that it isn’t a person. It doesn’t have the ability to dismiss me, to make me feel like a burden. The app never betrays me. I am never thrown onto the side when I write on it, I am listened to, I am heard. My words have power and aren’t ignored by anyone. Not a single pair of eyes other than mine will ever witness it. It can’t leave my crying self, seated on the cold floor in a corner, struggling to stop my tears from streaming down, while the people surrounding me just stare. This app will never make me feel the way that an excessive number of people have made me feel. It won’t leave me emotionally damaged after being vulnerable and exposing myself to it.
Notes witnessed events that no one else has ever experienced. All the fierce battles that occur within me are documented and filed into individual folders, a hasty lost attempt made at organizing them. There are no rules in this app. My perfectionist ways are left behind when I enter the realm of the app. I don’t have the damaging urge to be an excessive perfectionist here.
My notes aren’t all long rants about my emotions. Upon further inspection, my notes app has shocking similarities with my brain, being cluttered, overfilled, and always working the best late at night. Perhaps that’s why I find comfort here, in a place where no one will see who I truly am.