Why Have Children When Monkeys Are Better

Spencer

August 1, 2025

(Disclaimer: No facts or research in this article; just opinions and my own personal beliefs). 

The age old tale: what is better, a monkey or a child? There are so many ways this can be done, but with modern scientific ethics, it would be difficult to conduct any tests on the matter. So I shall provide you with multiple examples where I believe a monkey would easily best any small human it would encounter. 

Let's clarify the specifics of the comparison. For the human, we would use a six or seven year old male child, with average height, weight, and all other physical characteristics. For the monkey, we shall use a full grown male capuchin monkey, as they are one of the smartest monkeys in the world, and are notoriously known for their intelligence and trickery, such as stealing passports and money in exchange for food. While children may be tricky, mischievous, and violent, monkeys are even more so. We shall test for intelligence, companionship,  and combat capabilities of both. 

To test intelligence, we shall place certain tasks or puzzles for each to complete. One of which would be opening a puzzle box of sorts with a treat hidden inside, possibly a banana. The monkey, with its superior intellect and critical thinking, as well as its sense of smell, would drive it to solving the box faster than the child. If the monkey cannot solve the box, then it would also probably just smash the box to get to the treat, finishing before the child. However, in a literal puzzle, the child may win based on its pattern recognition. 

To test for companionship, we shall place the small child with its family and record their reactions. A child around this age, while adorable, begins the stage of life where it may become irritating and annoying. The child would require constant attention, and will whine or cry when it does not receive the attention it desires. For the monkey, we would place it with the same family and record their reactions. The monkey would definitely be more adorable and entertaining than the child, and as long as it does not rip off the face of anyone, it would definitely be better liked and a better companion than the child. 

To test for combat capabilities, we shall place the child and monkey in a locked, observed room, and wait for some sort of confrontation. They will both be safe, as any lethal threat will be stopped by the observers. For the first round we shall supply no tools. The monkey would probably be stressed in the new environment and lash out at the child. Its superior strength, instinct, nails, and teeth would give it an easy victory over the child. For the second round, we shall introduce tools and weapons, such as plastic swords, shields, and baseball bats. With well known toys available, the child stands a far better chance with tools, and may in fact defeat the capuchin. However, if the monkey learns how to use the weapons, then the child has no chance. 

Again, there is no evidence or research on the topic of small children versus monkeys that were put into this document. It is my personal belief that a monkey is far superior than a human child. I would also like to state that in general it is a horrible idea to be in close proximity to a wild monkey or to have one as a pet.